A Moment of Pride

I like how I look, mostly. I have a pretty face, really good eyes, and my hair is gorgeous when I actually take the time to maintain it. I don’t like my teeth though. They’re big and I have an overcrowded mouth and my gums show a lot. But then you go down and there’s my shoulders. I have a bit more muscle in them than I’d like because I danced for a long time and developed the wrong muscles. Rather than working my back to hold my arms up, I used my shoulders. It makes for an interesting neckline though and even if they don’t belong there I’m sort of fond of them. Then there’s my boobs…those awkward things that seem to weigh me down but still make a lovely shape. I just recently found out that I was indeed a size C convinced I was an A. I don’t know if it was denial or plain lack of common sense. I didn’t want big boobs but now I know I have ‘em and they’ve grown on me—no pun intended. My rib cage is a bit wider than I like and with that layer of muscle that’s just turned into flab but I’m not too self-conscious about it. I mean…I’m relatively skinny but still with proportions. I don’t like it all the time. Sometimes I wish I was more fully developed and other times (usually in dance) I wish I was skinny and flexible. But that doesn’t get to me too much. None of that gets to me. I like to think I’ve always been relatively comfortable with how I look. I mean I’m pretty. I don’t mean to sound stuck-up about it, I just mean…I’d be a whiny pick fool to not think it. I’ve never had many problems with my upper body.

It’s my lower body that gets to me.

My butt is bony but somehow big and not at all appeasing. Although not overweight, the shape of my thighs and skin around my knees and calves just make me look mildly chubby. Even when I danced and was in shape, they didn’t create that nice line. My knees stuck out and they would never completely straighten, my veins show through, my ankles are skinny and my feet are completely inflexible. My toes are long and skinny and I remember in middle-school people would say they were creepy when I wore flip flops. I shrugged it off and I don’t particularly care that my toes are long but I do care that my instep and arch completely suck. Not just for “beauty” reasons, mostly for functionality. Because I couldn’t do pointe work for the life of me. I was a good dancer, a really good dancer. But I always fell off my turns and could never roll up on to the pointe. My feet just…sucked. But my biggest complaint is my thighs. I mean…they’re nothing how I want them to be.

But last night…I was in bed watching a movie (Adaptation) and I just looked down at my leg bent up in my underwear. And in the soft light I liked the line it made. It suddenly seemed elegant and very feminine. I lifted my leg and put it down, straightened it and bent it. Put it in all these positions. And I was just glad that in that light and in that moment, I could see something good in it. Something that I could like about it. Even if it was as simple as a silhouette line. I’m glad.