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My future, my happiness and making plans

Submitted by Amy on September 22, 2006 - 7:04pm.
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On 30th September I move into my accommodation and start university. I can't wait! My room is ensuite, brand new and luxurious and from the moment I move in my Freshers week will be non stop, including a cross dress fancy dress night. It should be great fun, I'm already planning various fancy dress outfits.

I'm so very excited about all this, it's everything I want and I want to make the most of it. However, if there's one thing holding back my excitement it's this. Going off to university will mean the first (significant) move away from a boy who's been in my life for the past 2 years, mostly as a boyfriend but at least as a very close friend. He loves me and thinks we should always be together, and for him, the distance is just an obstacle we can work around. Visiting each other, phone calls, the internet are all we need in his eyes to bide the time until we're back together again. But this is all a problem for me. Why?

In truth, our relationship has been an ongoing problem for me. I could try to reason this using his flaws and bad experiences, and I have many times justified breaking up our relationship based on this, but bad times are not the main cause of my unhappiness. Simply, I just don't like being with him. I don't want to live with him, marry him, have a family with him or share my life with him. We look at life though such different perspectives, and when I experience things with him, I feel like my emotions are overshadowed by his opinions, his perspectives and his desires. It makes no sense according to any 'How to find a man' book, particularly the ones aimed at the 'modern woman', as on paper we get on well, trust each other, he's romantic, he loves me he says very much, he's attentive, and we usually have fun together. And of course, he's on the path to a wealthy career, and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Surely he's a catch, why am I complaining?

This has got to have been one of the hardest issues for me of late, which seems a little embarassing to admit considering it's an age old stereotypical relationship dilemma, but it's true and I don't know what to do. I can't find an answer and I don't know where to look, but all I know is that I will either be starting university in a week's time with a whole breadth of people and opportunities infront of me or as a taken woman, and I feel like I want to be settled on that stance before I start.

Part of me, possibly fuelled by his thoughts too, thinks I may just be striving for an ideal which doesn't exist, and I don't appreciate what I've got. Another part of me fears leaving him purely at the idea and risk of meeting someone else - will I ever find someone as good? Can I trust someone else? Can I let myself be vulnerable again to someone else? The latter being a huge deal and a huge difficulty for me. Whilst the other side of me thinks of all the things that I hate. The sexism, the arrogance, the mediaeval opinions and morals, and the way I don't feel like he ever really sees or tries to see the true me, my emotional side, what I'm passionate about and what makes me get up out of bed every day. Sure he knows what colours I like, what foods I do and don't eat, my issues with my family, all my insecurities, but I feel like there's more to me he doesn't touch and doesn't see. I feel like going to university and not being with him would give me a freedom, free for new opportunities, a chance to find happiness, and freedom to be completely myself. And right now, I don't like the idea of losing this by inviting him to my new home, inviting him to come and visit me.

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I think its pretty clear you

Submitted by Brooke on September 22, 2006 - 11:07pm.

I think its pretty clear you don't want to be in a relationship with this guy. I often question whether I should be in the relationship I am in, I often think about running off along and seeking independence. I think for any young woman the desire to be alone and independent is always there no matter who they are dating. We want to experience new things, new place, new people and we don't want to be tied down while doing it. Yet, when I think about the positives in my relationship, I don't think of just the typical things. Of course I trust my boyfriend, of course he treats me with respect and shows me he loves me. But we also have common goals and desire a common future. I can't imagine not having him in my life. However, I know if I wanted to go to school in a foriegn location and leave him behind for a few months, he would be 100% ok with that.
Your post sounds like you see this guy as a burden, as someone preventing you from doing what you want to do with your future. If thats the case, I think you should consider breaking up with him and moving on.

Also, don't worry about being alone. So many women fall into that trap. Ok, for starters, so what if you are alone. So what if you never find another guy that you have feelings for and that is a great person, ever. Would that be horrible? Would it be so horrible to have your own life, your own apartment, etc? Plus, that never happens because there are lots of okay and great guys out there.

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Have fun

Submitted by Julia on September 23, 2006 - 4:34am.

Going to college! It's a new and exciting experience- and it's pretty obvious that you're going to end up meeting new boys.

I think that if your heart isn't in it, you might want to decide whether to stay or not before you hurt him, even if you don't mean to.

Love and hugs,
Julia

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When I left high school for

Submitted by Daniella on September 25, 2006 - 3:24pm.

When I left high school for college, I stayed in a relationship with a guy with med school plans and a spring-of-junior-year deadline on giving me a ring. We survived the rash of freshman relationship break-ups of our first fall, but I think I knew even then that he was a lot more in love with me than I was with him. We stayed together until about halfway through my sophomore year, went through quite the ugly protracted break-up, and now only talk when he decides to try.

But the point is that he knew me perfectly well, we came from similar backgrounds and held similar values. Why shouldn't it work? I totally get your 'on paper' point. But I never felt like he and I saw eye to eye even though we professed to have a relationship of equals.

Parting ways with him gave me the freedom to really enjoy my time at school and create my own social life that wasn't six hours away. I can't believe it took me so long to do.

You will find someone even better. I know I was really nervous about that: "Well, if I leave him, what if I'm giving up my best of all possible outcomes?" It's just a leap of faith you decide when you're ready to take. And when you find that someone better, you will know. And if that changes, you'll know then too. There's nothing to be afraid of; if you hurt him, if it sucks for a while--it always gets better.

"A woman for a general, and the soldiers will be women."

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When I left high school for

Submitted by Daniella on September 25, 2006 - 3:25pm.

When I left high school for college, I stayed in a relationship with a guy with med school plans and a spring-of-junior-year deadline on giving me a ring. We survived the rash of freshman relationship break-ups of our first fall, but I think I knew even then that he was a lot more in love with me than I was with him. We stayed together until about halfway through my sophomore year, went through quite the ugly protracted break-up, and now only talk when he decides to try.

But the point is that he knew me perfectly well, we came from similar backgrounds and held similar values. Why shouldn't it work? I totally get your 'on paper' point. But I never felt like he and I saw eye to eye even though we professed to have a relationship of equals.

Parting ways with him gave me the freedom to really enjoy my time at school and create my own social life that wasn't six hours away. I can't believe it took me so long to do.

You will find someone even better. I know I was really nervous about that: "Well, if I leave him, what if I'm giving up my best of all possible outcomes?" It's just a leap of faith you decide when you're ready to take. And when you find that someone better, you will know. And if that changes, you'll know then too. There's nothing to be afraid of; if you hurt him, if it sucks for a while--it always gets better.

"A woman for a general, and the soldiers will be women."

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