Craze of our Lives

Guys I realize it has been forever and a year and I intend to get back on track (it seems like I say that a lot lately)...

This month, October, has been a month of broken dreams and trying moments. First off, a dear friend of mine was arrested and incarcerated. It is not necessarily a surprise, we all saw it coming, but his troubles still hurt me deeply and I found myself somewhat depressed over it.

Secondly, I found out that someone I have known my whole life is HIV positive, and rather than being supportive, many of the people this person is close to have blamed and shunned this new status. I feel worst of all because I know how commonplace the disease is and how horrifying it can be, but I feel as though I can say nothing because I am too young and not close enough. It is a powerless feeling.

My mother was also recently diagnosed with thyroid cancer, which, while having an excellent prognosis is still a frightening reminder of parental mortality. My father talks all the time about his death and I suppose we all naturally assumed that he would die first, but my mother's mortality is something I am altogether unwilling to address.

Lastly, I've started looking into the job market and feeling that familiar situation...where I wonder if I am not qualified for jobs because of what's between my legs, not between my ears, because I'm not willing to do a corporate dance and I don't look a certain way. A lot of people say that everything is a social construction-- donning a skirt suit, heels and coiffing your hair is the equivalent of putting on sneakers and sweats to go running, or a bathing suit at the beach. I don't really agree. I don't see how high heeled shoes, discomfort and form-fitting clothes make me any better at research. I do my best writing and reading in my pajamas, with unwashed hair and a full night's supply of cigarettes and snack foods. I can understand the sake of appearances, I appreciate it, but I wonder where the line gets drawn between "tidy" and "attractive." A friend of mine and I got into a fight because I had her iron and she was desperate to iron her clothes before the career fair. She called me at 10:30 the night before to come get it...as I was out the door for a 2 hour practice. I told her she could come within the next half hour or come get it in the morning before 10:00am, and she came in the morning, but seemed very huffy. I stopped into this career fair, in jeans, a flannel shirt and neon yellow armwarmers. The "career fair" was a bunch of recent graduates in suits and ties, standing and sitting behind formica tables with little signs and banners for their company. When I expressed the stupidity of dressing up for a bunch of people standing around tables, my friend told me that these people marked a check, check plus or check minus on your resume judging your appearance. As uninterested as I was before, I have lost all interest. I'm glad the only company I with whom I was interested in speaking didn't rent a booth.