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For the past few days I have been in a bad mood. Not my traditonal bad moods, where I pick up a guitar, write a pathetic sad song and then listen to some sad music. This isn't an angry mood where I start fights with Nik and pick up my electric and write songs about how much I hate George W. Bush. I haven't been in either one of those moods in ages...this mood is different.
This is the type of mood where I want to lock myself in a closet...or run away and find escape. However, I am smart enough that I know running away isn't going to solve my problems, at least not this time.
My sister called me yesturday, I didn't pick up so she left me a voice mail. Half concerned, half pissed off she said," I don't know why you haven't call me back. I don't know if you are purposely ignoring me or you just haven't been able to call me. Ok, Ttyl?" Now in all fairness the last time my sister contacted me it was at 1:30 in the morning with a text message that said "Whats up". I didn't respond because I was trying to sleep.
A few hours later, my brother called me, "ah, just wanted to let you know I was in town. I'm over at Rachel's eating hamburgers, give me a call." I could tell by the sound of his voice my sister had asked him to call me.
See the reason why I didn't call back was because of him. He called me the other day, just to see how things were going and I was honest. Things are going shitty, I hate my roommate, my boyfriend works 24/7, I hate my job, I dropped out of my summer classes because I didn't feel like dealing with the finacial aid office or how I was going to make it to class everyday. Instead of supporting me, instead of saying, o that sucks, he called me a FUCK UP.
The guy who got a DUI, has crushed numerous cars, who dropped out of high school, who didn't get his drivers license until he was 21 and whose career is being a lousy diesel mechanic, called ME a fuck up? Argh. This is how most conversations in my family end up, I'm the loser, I'm the moron and everyone else is a genius. Can my sister really blame me for not wanting to call her back? Even though my sister is a great person, news in my family travels fast and my sister inocently tells everyone everything. If I break down on the phone, like I want to if I talk to her, she will tell everyone and everyone will call me. Not to tell me how much they care but to critize me.
Sometimes what women need most is support. Everyday of our lives we are critized by other people on our decisions. From what kind of clothes we are wearing to what kind of birth control we use, to whether or not we choose to stay home with our kids. Sometimes we deserve critism. But not from our families, not from the people who are suppost to love us the most.
Aw, Brooke.
It's amazing, sometimes, how little people can see through their own lenses. Obviously, when you're hurting, it's going to be hard to be very objective, but you have to know that someone who can't get and keep his own life together has got very little credibility when it comes to assessing where YOU are at.
Maybe he said what he did because he was just being a jerk; maybe he said what he did in a convaluted attempt to motivate you. Either way (obviously), it was a whole lot less about you than it was about him.
If your relationship with your sister is important, have you ever told her that you can't get close to her because you feel like she doesn't respect your privacy and your confidence?
(And in any event, big hugs.)
(One more thing)
Given all you're going through right now, have you considered seeking out some peer support?
Most YWCA's for instance, offer free YA/teen parenting support programs, so that you could hook up with some other women in a similar space to yours. Obviously, this isn't the only issue you're grappling with, but it's a biggie that sure makes things a lot harder, and it might benefit you to have more people in your support network who could really get some of where you're at.
Thanks. I should probably
Thanks. I should probably look into such groups, we do have a YWCA near here. Its hard, not knowing anyone here, being 40 minutes away from my family (I know being around my sisters kids for a few hours would make me feel alot better) and having to listen to what seems like constant critism. Now I feel like I can't even talk to them because conflict has been created and I hate that.
The YW...
...is really such a fantastic, woman-centered organization that just seems to get better and better every decade. Really (and this is a pretty general concencus) they're pretty much the only faith-based social organization that ever got it right: provide all the services, fight the good fight, base it all on human rights, keep the religion entirely separate.
So, do take a look. Having no support is hard as heck on anyone, and being pregnant is such a hugey-huge thing that going through it (and all the life changes it often sets into motion) without a good support network? Too hard, and just unnecessary.
*hug*
Man, that sucks. Here's a virtual hug from Belgium (where, egads, I am helping to keep track of 40 American teenagers!). Don't forget that, as important as the family you're born into can be, the family that you create (in the sense of friends as well as partners and children) can be even more so. I wish you luck creating the kind of family you deserve.
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