Why am I Crying All the Time?

For the past few days I have been in a bad mood. Not my traditonal bad moods, where I pick up a guitar, write a pathetic sad song and then listen to some sad music. This isn't an angry mood where I start fights with Nik and pick up my electric and write songs about how much I hate George W. Bush. I haven't been in either one of those moods in ages...this mood is different.

This is the type of mood where I want to lock myself in a closet...or run away and find escape. However, I am smart enough that I know running away isn't going to solve my problems, at least not this time.

My sister called me yesturday, I didn't pick up so she left me a voice mail. Half concerned, half pissed off she said," I don't know why you haven't call me back. I don't know if you are purposely ignoring me or you just haven't been able to call me. Ok, Ttyl?" Now in all fairness the last time my sister contacted me it was at 1:30 in the morning with a text message that said "Whats up". I didn't respond because I was trying to sleep.

A few hours later, my brother called me, "ah, just wanted to let you know I was in town. I'm over at Rachel's eating hamburgers, give me a call." I could tell by the sound of his voice my sister had asked him to call me.

See the reason why I didn't call back was because of him. He called me the other day, just to see how things were going and I was honest. Things are going shitty, I hate my roommate, my boyfriend works 24/7, I hate my job, I dropped out of my summer classes because I didn't feel like dealing with the finacial aid office or how I was going to make it to class everyday. Instead of supporting me, instead of saying, o that sucks, he called me a FUCK UP.

The guy who got a DUI, has crushed numerous cars, who dropped out of high school, who didn't get his drivers license until he was 21 and whose career is being a lousy diesel mechanic, called ME a fuck up? Argh. This is how most conversations in my family end up, I'm the loser, I'm the moron and everyone else is a genius. Can my sister really blame me for not wanting to call her back? Even though my sister is a great person, news in my family travels fast and my sister inocently tells everyone everything. If I break down on the phone, like I want to if I talk to her, she will tell everyone and everyone will call me. Not to tell me how much they care but to critize me.

Sometimes what women need most is support. Everyday of our lives we are critized by other people on our decisions. From what kind of clothes we are wearing to what kind of birth control we use, to whether or not we choose to stay home with our kids. Sometimes we deserve critism. But not from our families, not from the people who are suppost to love us the most.