Too Skinny

In the past few months since my house burned down I have lost weight. I am not sure how much since I don't own a scale, but I bought pants in size 4, 3 and 1 for work. My size 4 pants I can take off without unbuttoning, my size 3 pants keep falling down even with my belt on and I just noticed my size 1 pants are starting to be big around the waist as well. Actually, my belt isn't small enough anymore.

I'm not proud of my weight. I'm proud of the muscles I have now that I carry around heavy things at work and chasing around my toddler at home. But the skinny look, I just didn't work for it. If anything it's probably a sign that I am not healthy. I don't always eat three meals a day and I should probably be eating closer to 6 since I am still nursing my daughter. It doesn't help that the food where I work sucks and some days my dinner is an orange and a yogurt. At least some science leans towards calorie reduction as the way to live past a 100, so maybe I will live longer?

The scary thing is that people have taken notice of my weight. My mother in law (ish) commented during a fight that I am too skinny. My ex-roommate who I saw for the first time in months a few days ago couldn't stop saying how great I look. My boyfriend keeps commenting on my abs. I'm not impressed by the way I look. I think I look kind of gawky and geeky. My arm muscles are making me look kind of manly. Not that there is anything wrong with looking like that, but I was happy as a size 6 or 4.

I hate how people take notice of my weight. Would the same thing happen if I was male? I hate being compared to a beauty ideal. From my boyfriend's mother's point of view I am too thin because I should be like her daughter who is a year younger and 40-50 pounds heavier then me with double E boobs. To my ex-roommate I have reached an ideal she has been trying to reach through doing roller derby and working out for the past year. To my boyfriend I have reached the ideal of being the same size I was when we met. I don't like the attention over something so stupid.

The only place I can find relief is at work, as long as a family member or old friend doesn't stop in. My co-workers haven't noticed my weight loss, only that I am in the fridge/freezer everyday and that I have picked up playing the drums. Carrying around heavy weights isn't impressive, it's just another part of the job I am expected to do. Where I work, the only people who get judged are the ones who come in and ask 20 billion questions.