Independence and School

I recently told my mom that she's not gettting me a birthday gift for my eighteenth. She's helping me move out.

Why? I decided two years ago that I wanted to move out, and become independant, the moment I turn eighteen. Since then I've done a little bit of saving money, and a lot of hard work.

Since we moved, my grades have actually gone down. Now I have a few friends, and waaay more distractions; I don't have a reason to spend all my lunches indoors anymore, I have nothing to fear. And so my grades have slipped, and while I know I have four years to get them back up, and above what they were (I think to get into Ryerson w.scholarship I'll need something like 95% GPA) but I feel kind of guilty.

Today, I sent out the first submission that, if accepted, will have a HUGE payoff: I sent a short story to Glimmer Train Press. I already know what I want to do with any money I get. I've published a poetry book, the link to which is in the forums. Lately, I've been writing a lot. Because I know writing will lead to independance.

And I want to go to university. I don't care how tiny the place I have to live in is, or how little money I have for that thing called a life. I want my independance, and I want it now.

But lately I've been thinking less and less of going to university. Lately I've wanted to finish high school, take a college course or three, and then get just a BA.

On the other hand, that gives me less freedom to do the things I really want. But the commitment of still going to school after four or five years of high school? (I might stay back a year to get extra credits) I don't really think I'm in for that. School's becoming more and more difficult. And it seems to be blocking me from so many of the things I love.

As of September, I'll be in grade nine. Four more years of school. And after that? What is it I really want to do, what is it I should do?

The only easy answer is moving out. That's all I know for sure. Writing, whether it be freelancing, fiction work, or newspaper staff, I want to do it. And I would love to live in Japan; I would love to have that oppertunity. I used to know exactly what was going to happen with school; right now I've gotten a lot more iffy about it.

I don't know if I'm willing to find the funding to go to university, or the time. If I do, I know what university and I know the courses: history, my English major, Japanese, journalism, and probably an alternate theology course. But when am I going to go to university? I might spend a year after high school working and travelling, or I might go straight there.

All in all, what I'm trying to say is: what's the best route to my independance? How am I going to afford university and a place to live on minimum wage? I can't rely on my mother. No way. I'm fed up with relying on her and I won't let myself do this anymore. I have five short years-and then I'm moving out.

With each new day, I only get more confused. Only a few things are sure to me; I used to have it all planned out, but since I got into grade eight... School used to be great fun for me; I tried my best, got along with my teachers, and got excellent grades. Lately the fun is missing, I don't get along with my teachers, and the whole experience is unpleasant.

And if I don't get into the high school I want... *sighs*

Well, my uncle went through something like seven high schools. I think I'll be able to switch into a different school if needs be after grade nine. But...

This is frustrating. I really don't know what I want, and I hate not knowing.