I think I must have accidently hit my self destruct button...

1) Yes they should stop, Em.

2) No, in my experience, they often don't, &/or threaten to deny you care for not cooperating.

3) I still shake every time I go to the dr.

Contre tout le monde, je me defendrai...je suis le dernier homme, je le resterai jusqu'au bout! Je ne capitule pas!
- Ionesco, Le Rhinoceros

I've sent you a private note on this, because I think some of the problem was a bigger issue you didn't address here (and which, if you didn't inform the doctors and nurses about, they couldn't possibly have known about).

So, see your email.

Gosh, Em, how horrible. That shouldn't have happened.
I have a wonderful female gyn who knows about my history and always makes sure to be super careful, so while it's still not a fun experience, I can live with it.
I did have an awful experience like yours with an insensitive prick of a hospital gyn who actually had a nurse hold me down, rather than stop when I started screaming.

...for you, and anyone else who might need them.

1. You consult with ANY GYN you see in advance, before you are even in a gown, and inform them -- in full -- about what you have survived, and be very plain that you have PTSD and need a GYN who is apt at working with surviviors. You be clear that it is OKAY if that doctor is not, but that you would then like a referral to someone who is, and are okay with waiting to see someone else: you'd rather get the right person and wait then have the wrong person see you sooner. (Unless it is an emergency situation.)

2. When and if that person isn't there, you do not acquiesce to anything/anyone else. Period.

3. You bring/ask for whatever comforts you need. Like an ipod or walkman with music in it you can listen to. Like something to hold that comforts you. Like using some visualization techniques. Like asking the doctor/nurse to tell you, throughout, every single step they are taking, or asking to be able to see what is going on. And it's vital that you have full confidence in asking for all these needs to be met.

And if and when you see someone who is problematic in this regard, you file a complaint. You do that both for your own sense of well-being and care, and to increase awareness for other surviviors who may come in. IME, it does make one feel better.

Since I have been getting healthcare post-puberty all my doctors have been female, completely by chance. Maybe its because I have only ever really been to public healthcare facilities that we're completely run and opperated by women. Anyways...it sucks that they would continue to do the exam if you felt uncomfortable. Doctors (even female ones) definately need to make sure their patients relax before doing these types of exams. At my last appointment the person doing my pap didn't give me enough time to relax and it was a pretty painful experiance.

Oh my. Definetly file a complaint, fer sure. Legally they can't do anything to you without your consent, yes? Nevermind the fact that just morally they shouldn't.

I haven't had a problem with paps or pelvics but I did have one incident with an uninformed healthcare provider and two years later I'm still all kinds of confused about it.

I was getting all my post-assault STD work done (that sounds so clinical and nonchalant but I really don't know how to say it better) at the local health department, 'cause that's where you go for that sort of thing and it's free so you know, I'm there, and it's on my chart WHY I'm there.

But it's this lady's first day and I guess she didn't look or it didn't register or maybe no one even told her that the health department took care of rape survivors or whatnot because she's running through her questions with me like I'm the Average Jane on the STD Lookout.

Name. Age. Place of Employment. Last date of intercourse. UMMMM! Yeah. I really have no idea how to react to that so I just give her my rape date and start to cry and then she starts asking me about birth control methods and whatnot and I just kind of lost it with her. I don't remember my exact quote but it was something about you know, condoms and rapists, and it was really violent and angry and probably not something you want to say to the person about to jab you with a needle. But, anyways, point being:

It led to so many mixed emotions. Me being angry at her for not paying more attention, not knowing better, not realizing that I'm sitting there feeling like shit. Me feeling bad for taking out emotions on her that really had nothing to do with her and everything to do with my rapist. Me being angry at our society that has created this silence regarding rape and all the far-reaching effects of that.

I mean who the fuck ever saw an after-school special about how you might freak out getting a pelvic? I don't know any numbers off the top of my head but I'd put that under EXTREMELY COMMON particularly with a male doctor. But no one ever told us about it and probably no one ever told the doctor about it and he's probably just thinking "It's for her health I just need to get this done so I can make sure everything is OK and hey it's two seconds how bad could it be?"

Not that I'm trying to excuse or justify their behavior because it was definetly NOT NOT NOT OK. I just wanted to throw out some Big Thoughts about the World. And I'm really sorry you had such a terrible experience and you are definetly not overreacting. If it's how you feel it's how you feel.