I think I must have accidently hit my self destruct button...

...Because I am falling apart! I finally sort of get myself together (well, as together as I could possibly be right now) and off I go and get myself a kidney infection. Lovely. Ok, so there was a little more to it than my kidneys just being out to get me, there was another incident with Nick and getting hit there, which made the infection more painful. But, my real story here (yes, there is a point to this post) is about what happened when I went to the hospital today. As has happened many times before today when I have gone to the hospital about such things, I ended up with a male doctor. This was ok with me today, I was not feeling too concerned because it was not a gyn issue and so I thought maybe I can deal with having him examine me.

So I shut up and let them get on with the tests and all the charming things they do to you at the hospital. But then I was told that I needed to have a pelvic exam. This did bother me, so I asked for a female doctor, and was told there were none available to do the exam, so the nurse said she would be there and it would be really fast, and so I agreed. I really wish I hadn't but for some reason I wanted to prove to myself that I could get over this. Well, I couldn't do it. I totally freaked out the minute it started, and asked them to stop. I guess they just wanted to get it done because instead of stoping the nurse leaned over me to talk to me so that I couldn't see what he was doing, which made everything SO much worse for me in my freaked out state, and made me quite upset. The nurse continued to hold me down untill he had finished the exam and done what they had to do.

Now I know I was really scared at the time, so that seemed really traumatic to me, so I was wondering if anyone else had encountered that sort of thing when having an exam? When I say stop, especially because they knew I am a survivor, shouldn't they stop? The whole thing was humiliating for me, and I left feeling kinda violated really, even though I know it was not their intention at all, and they were both very kind afterwards and everything. So, a question to survivors... How do you deal with having exams like that? How do you stay calm and not freak out? I could sure use some tips on this one because I never want to have to go through that again.

On a happy note... I am loving my new job as a nanny to my friends three children. I love working with people who run to the door to give you a kiss when you start work in the morning. :)