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Why cant it just go faster?

Submitted by Em on December 30, 2006 - 12:02am.
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As the new year gets closer I have found myself becoming nervous about what next year is going to be like for me. In a way, I am excited because I know that next year there is not going to be abuse waiting for me around every corner, because finally, he is gone. But I don't want to allow myself to be too hopeful for next year, not after this one. This year has been painfully long and hard, and I have made a lot of changes in my life, many for the good. But yet, here I am with a brand new year just a couple of days away, and I cant even let myself look forward to it.

I keep being told that each day after the abuse is supposed to get easier, but each day I wake up feeling as though maybe I should be hurt that day because I woke up late, or because I spilt coffee, just small, stupid things that I do, I don't know how to deal with those. I am not getting hurt or yelled at anymore for those, so why do I feel like I almost need that? Everyday is so confusing. Conversations with other people are just a blur where I go around and around in circles about the same things, the same issues, talking about everything we have discussed a thousand times because I don't know what else to talk about without bursting into tears. I know the new year wont take that away, I know it is also silly to wish for such a thing, but I really really do.

Why is healing such a slow process? It's over now, I should be feeling better by now. I should at least be able to sleep through the night without nightmares and anxiety attacks nearly every night. I feel like I am a big drag on everybody because I am stuck in this space of not knowing when to ask them to help me and when what I am asking of them, they can't really help me with. My new counselor is great, she has called me, even though she is on her break this week, almost everyday (this week was a tough one). Right now she is almost my only friend around here.

I feel stupid for being so alone and feeling this way, and with that comes the feelings that I should be hurt for it, thats just the way things always were. I hate feeling so lost. Am I going crazy here?

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Yeah...

Submitted by Irmelin on December 30, 2006 - 10:55am.

No, you're going sane. Which is a much harder, more jagged process than going INsane, imo.

I recognize a lot of the stuff in this entry. Particularly just getting used to punishment as such a norm that you don't just come to expect it, but almost need it. Just be careful not to inadvertantly invite it on yourself. Part of this process is like breaking an addiction, as weird as that is. I know that there's a part of you that's saying, "Hurrah, I'm free!" and a part of you that's on edge all of the time because everything's different.

When I was trying to be social again after my separation from my abusive girlfriend, I remember really pissing people off a lot because in a way I ASSUMED that everyone would behave the same way that she did, and in a subtle way that I did not realize for a long time, I was purposefully pushing people's buttons to try to GET that out of them. It's a slow process to just realize that someone's not out to get you every moment... that there's kindness and wonderful things that happen... and most of all, that you're free to just take them, enjoy them, and to MAKE MISTAKES and to have them be all yours.

And you know what? It's true. Every day is better. Every day takes just a little bit less energy to hold up. You've kind of been programmed, in a way, and right now you're in the process of rewiring yourself, and that's frustrating and exhausting. It means forcing yourself to think in a positive direction. But it DOES take. Eventually you don't have to use muscle power to steer your thoughts in a healthy direction- they slowly learn to go that way on their own.

Hang in there. *Hug*

~Meddle not in the affairs of Dragons, for thou art crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

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::hugs::

Submitted by Jenny on December 30, 2006 - 9:16pm.

What Irmelin said.

It's been about ten years since my sexually abusive relationship, and five since my emotionally abusive relationship, and while I am LOADS better, I still find myself realizing sometimes that I'm making assumptions based on those times, or I'm expecting a certain kind of unhealthy behavior, or that I even think such a thing is desirable. So, reprogramming takes a long time, a lot of effort, and a lot of self awareness.

That said, you're on well on the road there, and it does get better, even if certain days or certain weeks are more frustrating than ever. Hang in there!

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