Letting go

Today I got in touch with my counsellor again. Yes, me who is SO done with counselling finished forever and never to go back, yeah right. Apparently everyone but me was expecting this to happen.

I decided that the more I am travelling and seeing in the world, the more I realise how absolutely out of control sexual violence is. And I guess I realised that I am not the only person in the world who it happened to, and am also not the only person who feels ashamed that it takes SO much time and SO much help to rebuild some kind of normal life in the aftermath of abuse, whatever normal even means.

For me it was always about getting myself out of there and then everything would just fall back into place and my life would somehow just piece itself back together from there, with little to no effort from me. Wrong. It sucks, and it's unfair that someone can just rip such a large chunk of your life away from you and then we have to do all the work afterward to try and fill that gap that is left. I tried to fill it in all the wrong ways, and it wasn't until very recently that I realised that all my issues with drugs and alcohol, all of my relationships with people who I totally knew in my heart didn't give a damn about my well-being, and all of my yearning to have my family back, was all just me trying to replace what I had lost in myself. I lost my childhood, and I guess I found out that you never really can fill that gap, it's gone, and the few memories I have of a normal sane childhood are things I have made up myself from looking at photo's. They aren’t even real memories.

What I do remember is hard, but sometimes I feel like I wish I remembered more, even the bad stuff, just so that I could somehow piece together what happened, or even remember what it was like to be 11, 12, 13 years old. All of those years are just blank, so much abuse that I don’t know how old I was at the time; I just remember the incidents by themselves. I feel like my whole life up until the last year or so I have just been a spectator, watching this kid grow up in this crazy place, failing time and time again. And then all of a sudden I am here now, in reality, with only my own two feet to stand on, no more watching.

Last week, after being drunk for 4 days solid, having learnt that during my younger years of abuse there had been money being exchanged for me, which just shook me to my core (how do you even process THAT?), with a hangover the size of Australia, I decided it was time to stop trying to fill that hole, and time to start taking some ownership of my own life. I've been here before, I know, but this time I feel a lot more ready to lay the past where it is and let it stay there.

So I am heading back to counselling, just to sort out what it is that I need to be doing now, Im lost. But mostly I want to learn how to deal with this fire inside of myself that I just dont know how to let out in a non self destructive way. I don't want to forgive them, how could I? They put a price on my childhood. I hate them. But I no longer have so much hate for myself. I guess that's a start, right?