I am the "Yes Girl"

I work part time in a bar, and I have worked there on and off for years now. This is mostly due to convenience but also because I really like the people who I work with (most of the time) and it fits into my school schedule as I can be at school in the day and work at night. Most of the time I just kinda turn up, do the job, listen to drunk people talk to me all night about how I am wasting my time at school and should just take the general manager’s job they keep offering me at work (I would rather be run over by a bus, I think), but sometimes I hate the place more than anywhere on earth.

My boss, and good friend of mine (who has been a huge help to me with everything for years now) calls me the “YES girl” at work. I am no good at telling people no. I can’t even say no to a shift when I am literally falling over in pain with a kidney infection and will work a double shift because I could not possibly say no and have my workmate be unable to go and get drunk instead of showing up for work, could I? I also get dragged into things (I am not blaming anyone but myself here, btw, I totally set myself up for this) like teaching the whole staff CPR because no one knows how to do it and we have had a few issues in the past e.g. when myself and one of the other girls found one of our customers had hung himself from a tree out the back and couldn’t save him (to be fair we were both only about 18 at the time, but still), all because they had requested I teach them, waiting a good 3 hours for them to show up and not one of them coming. The worst part is I feel totally unable to say anything, and this is where it gets tricky.

The one thing I hate most about my job is that it is in the town I grew up in, and many of the people that drink there are people who have hurt me in the past. My boss knows this and it is okay when she is there, as they just don’t bother coming in. But when my boss is not there they harass me all night, and the girls I work with get annoyed with me for being concerned about it. I am sure they wouldn’t be if they knew why I was concerned about these people, but instead of telling them why, I give in and end up having to be around these men all night and having to give an apology for being rude (I don’t even know how I get the words out). I wish I knew how to tell people, I really do. But I like being the girl who always says yes and is happy, and who they think has no problems at all. It’s stupid, I know. But I just have no idea how to ask for things from people. It took a long enough time for me to get into counselling and actually ask for help, and that was SO difficult for me, and telling my boss took years until when I finally told her she had worked it out already.

It would be nice to say no and go home and not lie awake all night thinking maybe I should call them back and say yes I will do whatever they wanted. It would be really nice to be able to tell the people I work with, that I will not say sorry to men who raped me for being rude to them when they are being rude to me ALL night long. I hate that I am so opinionated on some things and then when it is things that directly hurt me and that I really need to be able to speak out about, I can’t get the words out. It is so frustrating; I don’t want to be the “Yes girl” anymore, or ever again.