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Bar Brutality

Submitted by Jessica on July 31, 2006 - 5:37pm.

Last saturday my boyfriend M, my flatmates and I went to a bar in one of those pretentious Londonian neighbourhood. Dark smoky settings, loud trashy electronic european music, and people eager to hit on one another.

Can't say I am a fan of those places. I used to enjoy going out loads, but in the past years it gradually changed. I don't see the point in going to places where I cannot hear my friends and dislike the music at the same time.

M and I discussed this while drinking beer on an uncomfortably comfortable couch.

"I guess I don't really see the point in venturing in those places where nothing excites me, really. The music is bad, the people pretentious, the alcohol expensive. I'd rather go to a gig to hear music I love or go to a quite bar or terrasse to drink wine and have long conversations with my friends."

He nodded: "This kind of place is odd because people seem to take more out of it than they give to it. They don't add to the 'vibe', they want something out of it: a quick lay, a hangover or dating prospects."

I agreed.

The conversation quickly made us sulk and sink in melancholy. At this point we noticed a girl sitting directly opposite of us on another couch. She seemed really drunk, and something was definitely wrong about her posture and behaviour. Her eyes were half closed, and she seemed exhausted. Two of her male friends were surrounding her drinking shots after shots.

"This girl looks extremely uncomfortable around those guys," said M.

I shared his concern. One of them decided to strike a conversation with another group of girls, and left the girl with who seemed to be her boyfriend. He began to be extremely pushy, grabbing her chin to force her to look at him in the eyes, violently grabbing her wrist, pointing his finger at her in the most threatenning way.

She was barely answering him, eyes half closed gazing into the middle distance, her body weak and empty of any vitality.

We began to freak out and fear the worst - could she be under the influence of a drug? Should we go to the bouncer and tell him about it (as it turned out the bouncer at the door was drinking a whole bottle of vodka by himself to pass the time), or should we mind our own business?

I guess the reason I am posting about it is that it was extremely difficult to make any kind of decision. Wanting to ensure that a girl will not be abused is good - but what if she was just drunk and simply arguing with her boyfriend? We could have gone and sked her wether or not she was okay, but she could have answered us 'Yes, and fuck off'. Not to mention that if everything is fine and you imagine wrong things, it can be incredbly insulting to these people to worry needlessly about them when really they're both adults, and it's none of our business.

But still, the vision of the guy violently grabbing the girl was sickenning. No men - or women- should be entitled to act like this.

It turned out they were having a 'domestic argument', and we left them at that, without really knowing if something was wrong with them or not. But the man's (symbolic and literal) brutality sent me into a serious kind of rage for a good couple of hours.

What do you girls usually do in those cases? 'None of your business', or in favour of some kind of intervention?

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I usually intervene with

Submitted by Heather on July 31, 2006 - 8:10pm.

I usually intervene with something like this, and generally try and do it by catching whomever seems to be in trouble at an alone moment, and just asking very casually if they're doing okay or need anything.

I can't recall ever having had anything but a grateful response to that, both in situations where someone DID need and want help, and in those where a person did not. And I don't really see being told to buzz off as anything for me to worry about, because it's not like it endangers me in any way. Might hurt my feelings a little, sure, but that seems worth the risk if someone might have been in real trouble.

I just remembered one of the last times -- in a bar, too, of course -- I was in this situation, and thought you might enjoy the anecdote. A guy in the bar had tried to harass me and failed, and then started doing same to the female bartender, to the degree that he began throwing ice cubes at her. I'd asked her first, quietly, if she wanted some help, and she nodded, so I had some clam words, basically saying that maybe he needed to leave if he couldn't treat people around him with respect, and that I was now the second woman bothered by his behaviour in the bar. I was with my partner and his four brothers, and this guy had the audacity to assume that my partner, being male, would "side" with him. He made some comment from that perspective, which included -- right in front of me -- an expressed sentiment to my partner that I was being difficult, and my partner, in utter disgust, asked the guy if he was 12 years old or just plain daft, etc. The guy was utterly flattened, and between the frim looks and then silence we both gave him, just walked out, absolutely surprised that a man in the bar (I tell you) would not support him in harassing women. Upsetting, of course, that had Mark not said anything, my words would have gone unheeded, but still, The bartender was thankful, esp. since, as she told me later, her male boss basically told her it was her job to put up with harassment from men on the job and just suck it up.

We got a free round of drinks, the bar had one less creep in it, all the women got to be more comfortable for the evening. Everyone wins. :)

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I'm with Heather on this

Submitted by Celine on July 31, 2006 - 9:06pm.

I'm with Heather on this one; I'd rather speak up or ask if someone needed back-up and risk getting told off than to walk away from a situation in which a woman was in a place of danger. I understand your hesitation though - it took me a long time, and a number of situations in which no one spoke up for me to get comfortable with being outspoken enough to say something.

I rarely do the bar scene anymore because it wasn't fun going out and drinking cranberry juice so I could babysit the people around me. Eventually, the people I cared about came around to the same idea that going to bars tended to bring Teh Stupid, and the people who were often the perpetrators of Teh Stupid can enjoy it on their own, if they wish. I'm much with you that enjoying a pint or glass of wine on a patio is much more enjoyable.

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I've never been a big fan of

Submitted by Daniella on August 1, 2006 - 5:06am.

I've never been a big fan of the bar scene; the last time I remember being in one was...three years ago? But my instinct would be to go over to the girl and say something totally innocuous but obvious. "Hey, I saw your shirt/haircut/whatever, and I just had to come over and ask where you got from." From there, the "are you okay" might flow easier than it would out of the blue.

It sounds kind of weird saying it, but I think it would work.

"A woman for a general, and the soldiers will be women."

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Hey Heather, I remember that

Submitted by Jessica on August 1, 2006 - 9:35am.

Hey Heather, I remember that story from your journal! At the time I remember thinking 'Hell yeah in your face!' :)

I know you girls are right, but the issue was delicate since it was hard to know wether or not the man was her boyfriend or not. It's not that I care being told off at all (I couldn't care less about that), it's that it might be incredibly hurtful for both of them if someone else implies that a) she's too drunk to be okay or 2) her boyfriend is a savage girlfriend beater if it's not the case at all.

The 'etiquette' is really tricky but better safe than sorry i assume?

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