Why doesn't she just leave?

I started working at a domestic violence shelter this week. I have a huge manual that I have to read and something I read today really stuck out: We shouldn't be asking why women stay in abusive relationships. Instead, we should be asking why men are abusive in the first place.

The fact that I had to have it spelled out for me tells me that blaming the victim is pretty damn common in our society. Obviously it's not the survivor's fault she was abused in the first place -- it's her abuser's. Abusing another person is always a choice and there's no one to blame for that but the person making that choice.

It's like all those safety tips put out there for women to protect us from rape. You know what would be even more effective than never letting my drink out of my sight or making sure to only walk in well lit areas? Men choosing not to rape women.

It seems women are expected to arrange our lives around keeping ourselves safe. We have to call friends so we can safely go to the bar, we're the ones who will leave our homes to escape abusers, we're the ones left to pick up the pieces after all our safeguards fail. Men are rarely (mostly unless court-ordered) taking classes about how to be a respectful partner but women need to learn self defense. Date rape doesn't carry much by way of social consequences but wearing a short skirt means you're a slut. It's always the woman's life that changes but so rarely does this violence change anything for the man behind it.

But to answer the original question, there are many reasons women don't leave. Most of them have to do with a lack of resources. Abusers typically isolate their victims and it's hard to depend on friends and family after you've been alienated from them. It's also typical for the abuser to demand control of all finances or prevent his victim from working or obtaining an education. So what do you do when you have no money, no place to go, no way to get there if you did, no education, and no close relationships outside of your abuser? You try to survive as best you can.