The Women in Porn and the Woman in the Mirror

At Scarleteen I routinely hear from young women who are feeling insecure about their boyfriend's use of porn. For me, what stands out about these women is the pressure they feel to satisfy every one of their partners sexual needs. That pressure appears to be internal - their partners are described as quite comfortable with an independent sexuality, e.g. their use of porn and masturbation. I've always thought of these women as unnecessarily jealous, making a big deal out of something relatively minor. It's not like they were taking a feminist stand against porn -- they just didn't want their partners using it.

Recently though, I read a new take that has made me more sympathetic.

"The elephant in the room during any conversation about attraction, of course, is pornography.
...
Neither is sure he or she can handle where the conversation might lead, namely the question, 'But how does that change the way you see my body?'" (Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, pg. 151)

Despite all the discussions at ST, it had never dawned on me that women do indeed feel real pressure to look like the women in porn. I've noticed an increasing tendency to try to have porn-inspired sex, but I've been blind to this side-effect of our raunch culture. I don't know if that pressure comes from within or has external sources. Do many men actually expect women to look like mainstream porn actresses? Is it an extension of the mainstream media's already narrow definition of beauty and negatively impacts on women's body image or something else entirely?

I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, look like someone you'd expect to see in pornography. As such, I've never had to worry that I'm being compared to an ideal: I so obviously don't meet that standard that I truly can't imagine someone wasting the time and energy wishing I did. If that particular image is important to someone, they aren't going to be with me in the first place. I actually assume that everyone who loves me, romantic partner or otherwise, finds something about me visually pleasing – even if it's just the recognition that my personality comes wrapped in my body.

But how would I feel if I did look like your typical porn star? Furthermore, what if I actually spent my time and energy trying to achieve that look? How would that affect my behavior, my expectations, my sexual relationships? Would coming close to an ideal make me strive for it? Would that look allow me to see the women in porn as compatriots, women to emulate in far more than just my appearance? And if a woman makes an effort to emulate what she sees in porn, does she keep in mind that even the women in porn don't look like porn stars?

I don't have the answers to any of those questions. I know I want women to feel confident enough to enjoy our bodies, no matter what they look like, and expect our partners to honor those bodies as well. I also want everyone to feel comfortable enough to have their own independent sexualities, without needing a partner to be sexual. I want women to feel validated by what they see in mirror instead of feeling insecure about how they compare to the women in pornography. So how do we get there from here? How do we stop prioritizing what we see in media over the reality of our bodies?