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Recently though, I read a new take that has made me more sympathetic.
"The elephant in the room during any conversation about attraction, of course, is pornography.
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Neither is sure he or she can handle where the conversation might lead, namely the question, 'But how does that change the way you see my body?'" (Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters, pg. 151)
Despite all the discussions at ST, it had never dawned on me that women do indeed feel real pressure to look like the women in porn. I've noticed an increasing tendency to try to have porn-inspired sex, but I've been blind to this side-effect of our raunch culture. I don't know if that pressure comes from within or has external sources. Do many men actually expect women to look like mainstream porn actresses? Is it an extension of the mainstream media's already narrow definition of beauty and negatively impacts on women's body image or something else entirely?
I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, look like someone you'd expect to see in pornography. As such, I've never had to worry that I'm being compared to an ideal: I so obviously don't meet that standard that I truly can't imagine someone wasting the time and energy wishing I did. If that particular image is important to someone, they aren't going to be with me in the first place. I actually assume that everyone who loves me, romantic partner or otherwise, finds something about me visually pleasing – even if it's just the recognition that my personality comes wrapped in my body.
But how would I feel if I did look like your typical porn star? Furthermore, what if I actually spent my time and energy trying to achieve that look? How would that affect my behavior, my expectations, my sexual relationships? Would coming close to an ideal make me strive for it? Would that look allow me to see the women in porn as compatriots, women to emulate in far more than just my appearance? And if a woman makes an effort to emulate what she sees in porn, does she keep in mind that even the women in porn don't look like porn stars?
I don't have the answers to any of those questions. I know I want women to feel confident enough to enjoy our bodies, no matter what they look like, and expect our partners to honor those bodies as well. I also want everyone to feel comfortable enough to have their own independent sexualities, without needing a partner to be sexual. I want women to feel validated by what they see in mirror instead of feeling insecure about how they compare to the women in pornography. So how do we get there from here? How do we stop prioritizing what we see in media over the reality of our bodies?
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I didn't understand when I was younger why women would be offended or feel insecure about their partner's viewing porn. Maybe that's because when I was like 17/18 and interested in some porn myself, I in many ways fit or was open to fitting into that ideal. I wasn't lacking in getting male attention. Fast forward a few years and now that I am older and although arguably not less attractive my degree of sexual openness has narrowed quite a bit and I think I would to some degree be offended if my partner started viewing porn. For me personally it would have less to do with my appearance and more to do with the acts women are willing to do and the level of submission women are willing to do in porn that would bother me. My boyfriend has always been pretty open about his sexual interests and where they conflict with what I am interested/willing to partipate in. Porn would be a confirmation that I'm not good enough and I could see how many other women would feel that way, regardless of how they look in the mirror or fit the ideal. I think women need to stop focusing on pleasing other people in general and filling all sorts of unrealistic ideals.
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/Youxiaoyan
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