Trying to find my 'girl power'

At the supermarket today, I grabbed my favorite magazines off the rack- a terrible habit of mine, considering the money I would save by subscribing. Pausing between Seventeen and Newsweek, I realized how amusing and nearly contradictory it is to be a teenage feminist.

Even for all of the books on my shelves marked "Women's Studies," I am still 15. And that means that in order to survive the oppressive society known as high school, I have to be a member of the patriarchy, just like Guy Montag in the oppressive society of Farenheit 451. Always questioning, but unquestionably in line with the group.

Even for all the sexism I observe in my world, I cannot truly fight it and be a functioning member in the world that encourages it. And so, as a bubbly and feminine teenager who also understands the depth of sexism, racism, and class disparities everywhere, I am at a crossroads.

Even for all of the progressive revelations and thoughts whirling in my head, I still have to giggle and bat my eyes. In short: I am caught between my deep desire to be "in" with the patriarchy and an equal desire to eradicate it. Oh, dear.

Even for all those self-righteous freaks like Robert Frost, daring me to choose the road less taken, I'm scared. Because what if that road doesn't really want you either? Search opportunities for young feminists and you find that they're mostly for women in their 20's and 30's who identified with the "Third Wave" of the '90's. It's basically assumed by much of the feminist community- at least from what I've read- that girls don't notice sexism until college.

Even for all the self-respecting mantras from inspirational women, there are still feelings that my feminist rhetoric cannot suppress. The inadequacies of my body, for example, or how I might behave towards men. My persistent love for all feminine trappings- whether pink, skirted, or both- that can't be denied. The times that I stay silent because speaking up could ruffle a few too many feathers.

Who knows when this teenage feminist will find the balance between the Seventeens and Newsweeks of the world, the power to be “in” and the courage to act out...what do they call that again? Oh, yeah, "Girl Power!"