Ready, Set, GO!

One of the surprise realisations about this country that snuck up on me was that from a certain age you are expected to have a boyfriend. And it doesn't seem to get any better in college. I grew up in a home and society that frowned on "casual" relationships like boyfriends. My mom always told me I had plenty of time and while many people, including myself did end up with a boy/girlfriend in high school it was not something that was indulged let alone encouraged by school and the larger society.

It makes me really sad when I hear about women who are afraid to be single but I have felt the same fear when emerging from a broken longer term relationship. I think it is that much worse for you though because of the undervaluing of single women in our society and the way couples are fawned over and encouraged. In other words, couples privilege, especially hetero couples privilege is what you are being forced to give up.

But don't underestimate how strong you are Kym. You really don't need that privilege, especially if it comes attached to an unsucessfull relationship and emotional turmoil. Being single is sometimes hard but its also fun and liberating, I promise. And as for having someone to talk to about your problems, you don't need a boyfriend for that*.

Thank you for your honesty and courage in sharing this with us.

*I know its not the same but feel free to drop me a line if you ever feel you have no one to talk to.

Good luck, Kym. You're strong and, however things work out, they'll surely be the for the best in the long-run. :)

One of the surprise realisations about this country that snuck up on me was that from a certain age you are expected to have a boyfriend. And it doesn't seem to get any better in college.

I have to respectfully disagree with this statement, Kampire. It may be the case for many people, but I don't think it's universal across the States.

I think I'm afraid to be single. That's a lot of my problem. I don't want to feel alone again. I'm afraid I'm not quite strong enough to not hurt myself without someone there to talk about it, someone who knows my secrets, my fears, and my triggers. And I don't know who else I can share that with.

I think it's always worth examining how often you hear women -- and often ONLY women -- making this sort of statement.

In other words, equating not having a romantic partner 9and usually a male one) with being alone.

Not being part of a couple doesn't leave anyone alone. In fact, when we're single, we usually have more time to spend with our friends and cultivate OTHER types of close relationships.

Being single doesn't mean being alone, unless we choose it to be so, and/or get in a pattern of having our romances be the only close relationships we have, something a lot of women also do (which makes that fear of being alone more reasonable: if you ditch your friends when you're in relationships, you ARE more likely to be alone when single, but again, this is a choice).

And really, you most certainly can have the kind of closeness with friends that you have with romantic and sexual partners. Closeness and intimacy isn't determined by any one type of relationship, but by if we cultiavte closeness and intimacy in any relationship we're in. The conditioning that tells us romance is the most close is just that: social conditioning. The only reason there can be truth in that is because people choose to structure and privilege their relationships that way.

Honestly, that's SUCH a trap, and one I'd strongly encourage no women to fall for: everyone is entitled to a better life than that, with a nice, wide net of support and intimacy, not one small arena to grow and find it in.

I guess I felt the same way when I broke up with the boyfriend I had when I graduated from high school. At the time I really was completely alone, my friends had gone off to college, my sister was 3 hours away, the only people I knew and hung out with were all "his" friends. But then I felt so much better being alone, being able to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to, being able to have my own space, my own time, my own thoughts...all without criticism, I loved being alone. There is really very little value in what other people say or think about your relationship status. The point is your happiness, not creating a situation for everyone to talk about, not about having a certain relationship as a status symbol. I'm not sure if it gets better in college or not, but it does get better when you choose to have people around you who don't care if your single or not.

I was virtually never "single" for more than a week or two from ages 12 to 21. Once I decided to give serious dating a break, I learned how much deeper and more supportive a community I could build once I made my relationships with a number of people a priority, instead of only prioritizing a single person (who, obviously, I was unlikely to spend my life with).

Now that I am romantically partnered once more, I have tried to maintain this focus, and to cultivate my friendships--my family, really--because I reject the idea that one single person is going to be my EVERYTHING. It's nice to know that I can have meaningful relationships with a number of people, and nurture my whole person. I also think that this is a healthier strategy, and leaves me much less vulnerable when our marriage hits the inevitable bumps and snags.