Tell me all you're thinking...

I've told myself so many times that I simply cannot be in a relationship with another man again. I've seen too many things, and experienced too many hardships at the hands of them to ever be trusting. I don't know if I believe in love at this point, I certainly have not ever witnessed fidelity.

Then there is the matter of me. Say I do meet this person, and things are going well. I have to tell him... you know... don't I?

My friend told me that I don't have to mention it. My work as an escort is "a thing of the past..." and not really anyones business unless I let it be.

I think that would be terribly dishonest of me.

Yet at the same time, I know that if I met someone and someday they said something like that to me... I might be thrown for a loop as well.

My heart doesn't like to make any sense. Yeah, so I did this kind of work before... yeah, so sometimes I still have to in order to keep a roof over my head...

but...

I'm not a whore.

I'm just an average person like you, doing things I push out of my memory so that I can get by. I get these dreams in my head, and preoccupy my heart while my head stands its ground because it knows we're going nowhere...

There is this sweet boy in Japan. We got as close as two people speaking separate languages can get during the past month. He felt so worthless... and all I can tell him is, "Honey, I'm worthless too..."

I tried to tell him about my past, but I don't know if he can translate what I'm saying properly. He says, " Laura... I want to try my hardest now..."

He leaves me sweet messages on my answering machine, and I think to myself, "Who knows, maybe someday I will be standing on that hill in Osaka...with this letter in my hand..." How much will be written there?

I've heard it said that a womens heart is full of many secrets.

I've never felt that way until now...

Sometimes I wonder what kind of person I really am.