Home » laura

I see a problem.

Submitted by Laura on April 30, 2007 - 4:16am.

I gave up.

I threw my hands up and walked out.

I miss the cafeteria, the warm womens center, the library, and the teachers but you know what I don't miss? I don't miss the red tape.

I just came to the reality that no matter how much I want to go to school - I can't.

I was faced with a decision, so I made it in order to keep myself safe. I'm getting a second job, and hopefully its not waitressing as well because my wrists have been so sore lately I'm scared to death of carpel tunnel. So the plan is - get out of debt... keep a roof over my head... thats the plan anyway. I'm going to make another attempt to move out to Las Vegas where my sister is but I'm a bit scared about it. I don't know if someone with my kind of history can keep out of trouble there, I sure will try. They've got a good college for when I make another crack at it.

So in thinking about this, I couldn't help but wonder to myself. Theres this connection I never made before. You see, I used to be an A student. I'm not dumb. However, if you look at my grades over the past five years or so there is a trend. As soon as I became sexually active my grades went down the tube in school. I still cannot for the life of me concentrate on much of anything anymore.

What could have triggered that. Maybe the situation triggered something.

I don't know how to word this right now, but I've come to the realization that a lot of the anxiety and depression, and slew of other mental misdemeanors might have alot to do with being raped so brutaly at such a young age.

Maybe I can figure out how to work with it, since its not like I can go to a doctor right now. However, I'm not sure that I'm even ready to admit that something is wrong with me. Why is it embarassing to realize that I "let this effect me?" I feel polarized. Part of me is angry, and part of me just simply accepts it. Part of me wants to work myself to the core, and part of me can't even drag itself out of bed in the morning to face the world.

» Laura's blog | login or register to post comments

Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.

::hugs::

Submitted by Jenny on April 30, 2007 - 6:29am.

I'm thinking of you, Laura!

Have you tried any temp agencies? Are you good at standardized tests? (I ask the latter because I've made big bucks teaching test prep over the past 6 years)

A couple of book recs while I'm at it:
Hardcore Zen: Punk rock, monster movies, and the truth about reality by Brad Warner
Radical Acceptance: Embracing your life with the heart of a buddha by Tara Brach

Good luck!

» login or register to post comments

I'm actually pretty decent

Submitted by Laura on April 30, 2007 - 6:52am.

I'm actually pretty decent with standardized tests, I passed the dreaded California Exit Exam in the first shot, and was recommended by my psych teacher to take the AP Psych test in high school because even though I was sleeping through class and not turning in my work I was still passing her tests with decent scores.

I'll check those books out.

» login or register to post comments

I wish there was more I could say...

Submitted by Becca on April 30, 2007 - 2:37pm.

I wish there was more I could say, but not being in your shoes or having gone through what you've gone through, all I can say is it sounds like your feelings are a pretty normal (as far as any of it is normal) response to the trauma you've experienced in your life. I hope you can get to a place where you believe that there isn't anything "wrong" with you, but that how you're feeling is a necessary response for you to process and learn to live with past trauma.

If you do make the move to Las Vegas, it sounds like it will be important for you to have real emotional support from your sister, and one of the weird upsides of all the "sin" in sin-city is that there are a ton of recovery and support groups that you could tap into there. Strangely, from what I understand, as long as you can stay away from the strip & downtown, you can have a pretty normal life in Las Vegas.

» login or register to post comments

I wish you alot of luck. I

Submitted by Brooke on May 2, 2007 - 3:33am.

I wish you alot of luck. I know I haven't even come close to experiencing what you have, but I can say that moving into my sisters house after I was kicked out of my mom's house and on the verge of being homeless was the best thing that happened to me. Family support can really be great, it can be really awesome to have someone in your life on a daily basis who is looking out for your best interests, encouraging you, someone to a certain degree who don't want to disappoint. I also know it's great to get a new start in a new community.

» login or register to post comments

You know, the more of your

Submitted by doctressjulia on August 28, 2008 - 8:02pm.

You know, the more of your stuff I read, the more I like you.

» login or register to post comments