the all girl army forums: So angry, so frustrated.

Hey All,

I wish, seeing that I havnt posted on the boards here for a little while, that this post wasnt coming from such an angry, angry place.

I have been doing so well. SO well. Honestly, if you had asked me yesterday, I would have told you that I am actually doing ok, I have 3 jobs, so I am busy all the time, exhausted, but I need to be busy at all times when I am back in NZ. I love my nanny jobs. The job at the bar is ok, but its still one hell of a triggering place for me, as so much of my abuse happened there, but I have been handling that as best I can, without being self destructive like I was before I went to Canada. Just generally trying so hard, so fucking hard and then there was tonight.

I am so tired of stupid people where I live approaching me when I am just trying to go about my damn day, and talking about HIM. Not in a supportive way? Not even in a gossiping kinda way which is to be expected in my village, but just to tell me that they know this guy. What a GREAT and RESPECTED man he is. This, the man who raped me for 10 over ten fucking years? And his friends who decided they would join him?

But I still have to be the one who is told at every chance they get how I am the vixen. Because it couldnt have been him? It couldnt be him because he is so nice to people, earns so much money and he is married to a woman who volunteers on every committee there ever was. So it must have been me, at 11, who pursued him, made him do it. They call it an affair. What the hell is that?? Are you kidding me?

Okay, so lets say, and god how much it makes me feel physically ill to even think this, but even if that was the case, if it had been an affair, why would it have been all MY fault? I was 11 when it started. 11... and I would be the one who is at fault?? He was a married adult man. And it is MY fault? I am SO tired of it.

I couldnt care less what they think of me, these are obviously people I do not want to be around, so they can think what they like. But why do they have to confront me about it all the damn time? Why do they even care? How come I have to do all the work, all the time, just to keep my haed above the water. Keeping myself sane all the time, reminding myself its okay and its over and not to go and get wasted so I can pretend to forget for a couple of hours. How is that fair? Why do we have to do all the damn work, and he gets cancer (thank you karma) and so people look at me like I gave it to him or something. Today the man who started to harrass me in the village, got a very angry earful from me when he decided to point the finger at me for bothering a sick man, I actually turned around in the middle of the crowd and yelled at him "I didnt give him the fucking cancer, but if I could have I WOULD", which I know was just a bad decision, because I know now I am going to be paying for that for weeks.

I hate that man so much. I hate it here. I hate that there is so much work I have to do in one day just to get through it without breaking down and giving up, it is always in my head, and there are so many people trying to make it even harder.

Im sorry for my anger in this post, but this has been boiling in my brain all day, and I wish I could scream it in his face for everyone to hear, because I just dont care anymore.