conventional beauty

In the past few months since my house burned down I have lost weight. I am not sure how much since I don't own a scale, but I bought pants in size 4, 3 and 1 for work. My size 4 pants I can take off without unbuttoning, my size 3 pants keep falling down even with my belt on and I just noticed my size 1 pants are starting to be big around the waist as well. Actually, my belt isn't small enough anymore.

I'm not proud of my weight. I'm proud of the muscles I have now that I carry around heavy things at work and chasing around my toddler at home. But the skinny look, I just didn't work for it. If anything it's probably a sign that I am not healthy. I don't always eat three meals a day and I should probably be eating closer to 6 since I am still nursing my daughter. It doesn't help that the food where I work sucks and some days my dinner is an orange and a yogurt. At least some science leans towards calorie reduction as the way to live past a 100, so maybe I will live longer?

I’ve been writing a lot about cosmetic appearance in my past few blogs, I promise once I get this one off my chest I will move on to something different.

As a young black girl, you have to deal with both racism and sexism, sometimes separately, in this case however, they are intertwined, like a strand of hair.

Black women are not attractive. Their large noses, widely spaced eyes, big foreheads fat hips and kinky hair, they may be sexual (in fact over-sexed), but they are not attractive. Wait a minute, I can hear you say, there are plenty of black women considered attractive, what about… Halle Berry. Oh yeah slim-hipped, straight haired, light skinned Halle Berry. Yeah… she’s hot.

I love the way the tan of my arms and shoulders fades into creamy skin underneath my shirt. I love the weight of my breasts in my hands. I love to watch my reflection move, my ample curves shifting in the mirror as I dance in my underwear. I love to feel my muscles tighten and relax when I swim.

Yes, I am bragging. Did you want to call me on it?

I am 5 foot 8 and 230 lbs. My measurements are 38D-36-46. I wear a size 16/18. Plus-size.

I forget that I am supposed to be ashamed of that until I go shopping. Silly me.