coping

I've been meaning to post some of my poetry here. I don't exactly have any poems that deal directly with feminist issues, but I do have quite a few that deal with my struggle to work through the abuse I've suffered, and I suppose those are relevant to the AGA.

The first one (though not one of my faves) is a good metaphor of the way my past makes me feel at times. The second one is an imaginary conversation with an abuser that was sparked by a therapy session.

1. Haunted House
Walk on into this splendid mansion,
barefoot on plush carpets
in spacious rooms,
and rest on silken sheets.

...Because I am falling apart! I finally sort of get myself together (well, as together as I could possibly be right now) and off I go and get myself a kidney infection. Lovely. Ok, so there was a little more to it than my kidneys just being out to get me, there was another incident with Nick and getting hit there, which made the infection more painful. But, my real story here (yes, there is a point to this post) is about what happened when I went to the hospital today. As has happened many times before today when I have gone to the hospital about such things, I ended up with a male doctor. This was ok with me today, I was not feeling too concerned because it was not a gyn issue and so I thought maybe I can deal with having him examine me.

I've been having a rough week. Over the years, I have learned how to cope with the after-effects of sexual abuse, but some days are harder than others and occasionally the triggers just pile up. Last week, I had a particularly nasty nightmare and I've just not felt like myself since.

One coping-method that I developed very early in the game is dissociation. I've gotten so good at it that sometimes my mind does it spontaneously, when there is nothing to dissociate from, and I end up feeling -literally- completely beside myself for hours at a time.

On top of that, I am incredibly jumpy. The other day, my mother came up from behind me and touched my arm before I saw her and I lashed out at her. She was upset and I was annoyed with myself for being such a freak. I am never a big fan of being touched, but it doesn't usually turn me into such a basket case.