Domestic violence

I started working at a domestic violence shelter this week. I have a huge manual that I have to read and something I read today really stuck out: We shouldn't be asking why women stay in abusive relationships. Instead, we should be asking why men are abusive in the first place.

The fact that I had to have it spelled out for me tells me that blaming the victim is pretty damn common in our society. Obviously it's not the survivor's fault she was abused in the first place -- it's her abuser's. Abusing another person is always a choice and there's no one to blame for that but the person making that choice.

So here I am sitting on the ferry,
I'm super tired and I just got off from work from NARAL (which has my feminist blood pumping and fully pissed off at how little rights we have) and some guy sits behind me and then his friends join him. I tend to listen in to peoples conversations, I see nothing wrong with this. But this guys conversation just made me mad.

It went like this "Oh you know *name withheld* just got out of jail again" says Jerk #1....His buddy responds "For what?"...Jerk #1 responds with "domestic violence....But she deserved it she was a bitch..." Says the jerk # 1....They both laugh....Cause obviously a woman getting beat is nothing but shits and giggles for them. Then the buddy says "wasn't she black anyway?" and Jerk #1 says "yeah" and they laugh more.

(This is part of a conversation I was having with another feminist friend of mine, and it turned out very interesting and I thought I would share it with you and see what you think about the questions I brought up in it)

I think since I could talk I've been a vocal child. I guess my astrology sign helps that. Being an Aries, It’s a very vocal sign and my planet Mars is known for fighting. So that all helped into making me a feminist, making me vocal….

But anyway, I learned from a young age that if you don’t speak up than nothing will happen and what you dislike will continue to happen because no one is saying that it shouldn’t be happening.

Burglary. Kidnapping. Embezzlement. Arson. These and other crimes. What do they all have in common?

When people come forward to report them, those reports are believed until evidence suggests otherwise.

So why is it that rape or sexual assault and charges related to domestic abuse are so suspected regardless of the geographic area where they are reported? What is it that they have in common?

Women are by far the victims and reporters of these crimes. The distrust of women, the malevolence of the female, the demonization of femininity are motifs through out the world and through out history. Are these the traditions that cause women around the globe to be undervalued and untrusted? Is it the fear of the status quo (read: old men in their respective cultures) that these allegations will lead to their hierarchical unseating?

The other night, I was talking to Irmelin about custody/ divorce issues and It made me want to go ahead and post a blog here about what my thoughts are and some of the issues that have affected me in this topic personally.

I saw this statistic the other day “In the USA 63% - 84% of men who attempt to win custody succeed – Even when there is a history of domestic violence.” (1993 study: National Center Protective Parents)

That seriously just makes me so mad. Yes it was in 1993 but if I remember correctly that was even true as of 2000 as said in the book “Manifesta”.
What gets me, Is that you hear men as Irmelin says say “Men are discriminated against and almost never given custody of their children simply because they're men!” Yet there it is an actual statistic showing that women are the ones being discriminated even in a custody dispute where the men was a known abuser. It’s just sad.