friendship

So my ex left for the Air Force on Tuesday. Hard enough in and of itself, to see someone who holds such an important part of my life and heart, leave, knowing that I will probably never see him again. But, try adding on that for the past eight months he has been dating someone who was my friend for fifteen years.

Needless to say, she has decided that it is too uncomfortable to talk to me. I think she hates the fact that I was there first. I was his first for so many things, and she can never replace replace me in that regard. I think it makes her jealous. So she has said a handful of words to me on twice as many occasions, which has effectively ruined the friendship that endured most of our lives. I have tried to talk to her, I really have. I've sent emails, tried to get her alone at school. She just turns red and leaves or ignores me.

Sunday I watched a woman rip down the hill on her snowboard. Last weekend she was easily the strongest female snowboarder out there, but while she is indeed awesome, there just isn't much competition. Sitting in the chairlift with one of the many skilled men that ride out there, I started to wonder just why more women don't ski or snowboard.

Later that night I came here and read Joey's post in the forums:

And this is really a pattern with me, too. For as far as I can think back, I've had at least one really close guy friend, and more often than not, I was closer with that guy than I was with any of my girl friends. It's really only been very recently that I've formed really strong bonds with female friends.

I'm free of Bowmore!

Just in time, too. They're making horrible changes to the school, turning science into a homeroom subject and making it so there's an art teacher for the eights and the sevens. The bonus is art all year... the minus is the eights get a horrid teacher.

I'm surprised. A lot of the other grade eights apparently cried at grad, but I wasn't even THERE to cry. I skipped the dance to go out of town and watch Pirates of the Caribean. Not something I regret.

The people I will miss are all in grade seven. I'm going to the same school as one of my friends, and in grade ten I'll be going to Rosedale-which is where ALL my Giftie friends are going. So yay.

I love Summer. I love the heat and sweat of it, I love being able to wear less clothes. What I don’t love is the fact that people think that they can comment about my body as though it’s theirs. Just because I am black and curvy and stand out in your typical small-town Ohio crowd does not give anyone permission to comment about my body or choice of clothing.

A few days ago I went to the nearby quarry with a friend to get some sun and swim. I sat on a picnic table in a blue bikini near a popular diving point. I looked around at the people spread across the 2 mile beach; families playing in the shallows, high school graduates tanning, not a single other black person. Awesome. For me that is a big cue that I am going to be treated differently from everyone else.

So, let me see, where do I begin?

Let me begin with the fact that I've realized I still like my ex, I only hid it from everyone including myself to make life easier. Then let me move onto the fact that he likes my best friend, who likes my other best friend, who likes a friend I'm not close to but know pretty well.

I'm very confused by all this. Especially because ex and both best friends are off on some field trip, which accounts for me not being at school, because nobody else is. No point going, right?

The other reason is that I need a break. I literally cannot take this. Why is it that girls seem to obsess more than any guy I've ever met about love? I mean, I know that when my best friend David (there are three best friends) was in love with that girl, he obsessed, but he barely even notices love as a real feeling now. Same with my ex; to them, love just goes poof when a relationship ends.

I feel terrible right now. The worst thing is that I've felt terrible since last night-hell, since before then-and it's because of something I don't think I had any control over.

In October, a really good friend of mine disappeared. One day, he was like a brother to me. We were hanging out. After we split up, I didn't see him again.

For a really long time, I tried and tried and tried to get in touch with him; I wanted to know why he'd left, if there was any way I could help him, and I wanted the video games he'd borrowed back.

Last night, after a long conversation with another friend of mine, I decided I'd had enough. Unless I got the game back right away, I was going to call the police and say he stole it. Because I hate dealing with cops, I called him four times before he listened to me and said 'either come get them or you'll never get them back.'

Mrs Carter is 91 years old. Grandmother of one of my dearest friends (who moved to Auckland when we were young) and one of the most inspirational women I think I will ever meet. I just wanted to share some of her with you, because she is a woman who really deserves to be here in a community of other women who are just as precious to me.

In a lot of posts both on the AGA board and over on ST, so many women have expressed that they've had a hard time connecting with other females. The one reason that was given as an explanation more often than others is the fact that women are difficult to make friends with because they're more inclined to be manipulative and dublicitous. It's difficult to trust women and therefore we chose to bond with males, instead, because they are more straight-forward and honest.

And it's not something we've heard just here, either. We see it on TV and read it in books. It's an all-pervasive stereotype, and one that most of us have seen proven true at one time or another: Women are more likely than men to stab us in the back.

I like sundays. I never used to, especially not in high school, because it meant the dreaded monday was just that much closer. It also meant that I had to find some sort of an excuse to tell my mother when I got home at 6am sunday morning in last nights crinkled clothes, which looked oh so good when I last left the house. Now, its my only day off, and I try to enjoy every second of it from the moment I open my sleepy eyes at the beginning of the day. Today, was an exceptionally good day for me, and the best part about that is I made it that way and nobody tried to ruin it. There is something so special about meeting up with old friends. Friends who you can sit silently with, and they know what you are thinking about from across the table. Friends who understand the importance of sharing a glance, a laugh, a tear, with them when there is no need for any words at all. Today I met up with some of those friends. Today was a good day.

"I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough." - M. C. Escher

Downhill so fast. This is a very long entry.

It has been some time since my last journal entry. At the last point I left off, I was making some major realizations feminism-wise and was taking some time out to truly formulate my thoughts into a coherent entry. Now, I feel completely discouraged from writing on that subject.

Currently, two of my friends are killing themselves with drugs.

A lot has happened. School's going alright-but I'm not going this week because of Terry Fox-and my job is very interesting.

So, this is the fourth time I've quit. Now Jordan's quit because his brother died, he almost moved, then something pissed him off...Blech. And I've decided at the end of the week I'll be quitting.

Unless someone can talk me out of it. I really don't want to quit, but I'm fed up. Fed up with all the fighting, fed up with Jordan, fed up with the bossy woman who comes in, says I should be fired, says me and my best friend are extremely immature, bosses people around, insults Kim, and generally pisses me off.

I am very pleased to write that yesterday I finally made the move into my new home! I can't describe how nice it was to wake up this morning and realise that first of all I could not hear yelling and screaming, I was not expected to get up to make everyone breakfast, and I was waking up, which meant I actually slept for more than an hour and without any nightmares at all!

To feel safe again, after so many nights of fearing to close my eyes, to allow myself to fall asleep because I could not trust that the people I lived with would not let danger walk through the door and welcome him into my room, to feel safe again was a truely amazing feeling.

Today...was horrible. First, last night I was out until midnight with my friend Jordan. He's volunteering at the kitty place too. Which makes me extremely happy.

But then...today, a kid said I had a knife at school, and nearly got me expelled. Jordan took the blame, and could be suspended. No clue yet.

Me and Jordan and two other kids were working. They got into a fight. I left, then returned. But then I decided to quit because Jordan was being a dick, and because I'd lost my temper, and I could've hurt a kitty.

I was crying a little. Then the kid from school who told teachers, let's call him Mr.T, came to the door. One of the girls was his cousin, but I nearly smashed the door out of anger. Me and Nikki stayed inside, and I cried and decided to quit.

I've always had a difficult time forming close, meaningful relationships with females. So over the years, most of the deep, personal conversations I've had about relationships have always been with males and, therefore, always been from the point of view of 'the other side'.

However, more recently, I have managed to get close to two young women who have become incredibly important to me and who I feel I've really bonded with. Along with one other girl I met many years ago through an online community, they are the only two females who I really share personal things with and who I will go to for advice or if I just need a shoulder to cry on.

"And you'll have to come visit for Best Friend Weekend! They all have a Best Friend Weekend, did you know that?"

My best friends. I always laugh to myself when I think about the looks that we get – people cannot seem to believe that the friendship works as well as it does. We are an incredibly diverse group, but our individual puzzle pieces somehow fit together perfectly. Different ages, different backgrounds, different interests, but bound into the same tight family. We always joke that the quote "friends are the people who know everything about you, but like you anyway" must have been written about us.