independence

I recently told my mom that she's not gettting me a birthday gift for my eighteenth. She's helping me move out.

Why? I decided two years ago that I wanted to move out, and become independant, the moment I turn eighteen. Since then I've done a little bit of saving money, and a lot of hard work.

Since we moved, my grades have actually gone down. Now I have a few friends, and waaay more distractions; I don't have a reason to spend all my lunches indoors anymore, I have nothing to fear. And so my grades have slipped, and while I know I have four years to get them back up, and above what they were (I think to get into Ryerson w.scholarship I'll need something like 95% GPA) but I feel kind of guilty.

Since Sunday night I've been back at college for what will hopefully be my last year as an undergrad student. I'm back in my dorm room and ruler of my own domain again. As much as I like going back home over break, a week or two is usually enough to make me long for my own place, my privacy and some solitude. But when I found myself longing for my dorm room a few days into my first trip home for Christmas break, I was really surprised by that emotion.

I grew up with parents a little brother and a dog, so there was rarely a moment of silence and I never had a problem with that. In fact, when I was home alone for a little while, I found myself turning on the television just to have some noise and some semblance of life around me. Besides always having someone to talk to, living with my family also meant that there was also always someone to fall back on when I needed some help. I never had to rely completely on myself, and I was glad for that.

Recently, I landed what many consider my "first real job" in the payday loan field, where, as Matt so cunningly put it, I'm a "register jockey." It's a "step up" in the "real world," or so I'm told. But here's the thing: I have to dress up, I have to answer the phone exactly how they want me to, I have to deal with people who are rude, belligerent, and sometimes crazy, all with a smile on my face and a "customer service" mindset.

You know what I have to say to that? Eff this. Seriously, I am 18 and for the last two years every job like this that's come along I've tried for two weeks tops and said screw this, I'm going back to minimum wage because I won't ever have to grow up.

I love my parents. Love them. They've been such a positive influence in my life...there's no way to thank them enough for what they've done.

However, I'm 21. I want to be on my own. But...

...I have to stay on my parents' insurance plan. Since there's no way I could pay for the cobra policy, they pay for it. They pay over $500 a month- not including co-pays for doctor appointments and visits- just to keep me on the insurance plan. Medical care just costs that much for me.

This is necessary care. The medication and doctor's appointments are not optional. And, there's no way on my barely-there "salary" that I could ever, ever afford this on my own.

“The essence of independence has been to think and act according to standards from within, not without.” - Aleister Crowley

The other day, I received a communiqué via MySpace from an old friend, who greeted me, “Mistress of Darkness, I have found you!” T’was pleasing.

On a less self-indulgent note…

August 14th, I am traveling to my home country, Norway, with my mother. We will be staying in Trondheim, the city of my childhood, for a blissful two weeks. At the conclusion of this stay, I was scheduled to move in with my romantic partner in *******, which is halfway across the country from where I am now. I have to admit, the idea of the move had me rather weighed down and frazzled. Whilst very confident in my own intelligence, I cannot say the same for my experience, which is severely lacking in the “real-world” [synonym: colony-of-blood-sucking-vampires]. I have never held down a job, I do not have a license, I have never done taxes, and so on and so forth.

Basically, by moving in with my partner at that distance and at that time, I would be surrendering my entire well-being to his hands.