life

Dear Mum

Dear Mum,

Here I am, this is me.

Wow it has been a while.

And then I blinked the tombstones out of my eyes...

Hey all,

Excuse the short sabbatical. My mental health has not been fantastic, which unfortunatly has meant a few hospital over nighter's. One thing I have noticed when I am really not feeling like myself is that other peoples realities seem to jump out at you a whole lot clearer. Which makes for not only some interestingly sleepless nights but for a lot of summarising of what exactly I want/do not ever want in my life. So without further rambling, here is that list:

I DO want:
-To live in a place where i am safe and secure (at least most of the time)

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A new understanding

Today is the first day of my new course. I have decided to study to be a nurse; I have decided that New Zealand really is not the place for me. I have family here, friends here, but I miss the brand new life which I carefully sculpted, spent a year doing so, a brand new family full of people who I adore as though we all have the same blood running through our veins, a happy life in Canada. I miss my life there, so much that at times since I have been back in New Zealand, I feel as though maybe I left my voice at Vancouver airport and I don’t know how to get it back without returning.

Upon returning I also discovered something about myself which I don’t think I ever would have if I had not escaped my life here for that whole year, if I had not had that year of safety. And that is that I am capable of changing my own life no matter what or who is standing right in the middle of my path. I was a feminist before I left New Zealand, I have read the books, I had very strong feelings and thoughts and opinions on such things, but I feel that now that I have really used my own strength as a woman to stand up and say enough. Walk out on everything I had ever known because I am better than that, I really truly understand what Feminism means to me, what it is.

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