personal

I really feel like an adult lately. Which is weird, I have never thought of myself as an adult and it has little to do with the fact that I just turned 20. I feel as though life is really, unequivocally happening to me, right now without my consent and that is what being an adult is all about, no? You were right when you were four years old and decided you didn’t want to grow up, because Adult Life is all about the details. The mind-numbing details of dealing with the day-to-day until your mind finally derails, maybe in a nursing home somewhere, or if you’re like me, at 3 10 pm on the bus ride home from class, unable to stop crying unable to explain why you are crying. Those dreadful details of communication and bills and being thousands of miles from your family and winter days that you didn’t sign up for.

The reason why I haven't been able to be as active as I would like around here is that I've been dealing with a lot of personal stuff lately.

The past six months have pretty much been a downward spiral financially and emotionally and I need to get my life back.

Reading you ladies' entries and comments on the forums is always a source of inspiration. Every moment that I am here I feel lucky to be part of this community.

I will try to be around as often as I can but I suspect it's going to take a whole lot out of me to get back where I want to be.

Thank you for reading,
Kampire

Today I dropped the charges against my rapist. I just can't deal with all of that right now. I know I have let alot of you down by doing this, and for that I feel terrible, and I am sorry.

I did it because I he has moved now, he has gone, and it's over. I didn't want revenge on him, I just wanted it to be over for good. It was in no way the easiest option to take, I didnt do it because I thought it would fix everything straight away. I know better than that. But I do understand that my decision has let many people down, who wanted me to win this. I never wanted to do that, and I'm sorry.

It has been such a long time since I could go to bed feeling so safe, that now that I have that security, that knowledge that I am safe, I don’t know what to do with it. How, after all that time do I just close my eyes and know no one will be waiting for me to do so. For me to be so stupid, so lazy in protecting myself, closing both of my eyes and letting my guard down for even a second, feels not only luxurious, but also very very dangerous. I trained myself to be constantly aware of what is going on around me at all times of the day and night. I hear every little noise, I hear the sea, I hear car doors shutting quietly, I hear the wind pick up ever so slightly and each time it does, I look toward my bedroom door.

I was raised by women. Womyn. Womon. What have you.

There always was a majority of women surrounding me as I grew up. Strong ones. Courageous ones. Single ones, married ones, divorced ones. I can safely say most of them have been role models, in spite of everything classified as 'hurtful' which happens in every families.

Some of them were part of the first wave feminist movement, some of them are belonging to the second wave, some are apolitical, some are activists.

All of them are inspiring in their own personal, unique ways. All of them are role models. All of them impress me and encourage me.