roles

Today I worked a 9 hour shift at our local health food store. Tomorrow is Rosalynn's first birthday party at my sister's house and she would like us to be there by noon, for a party that's at 2 . Which means I will be getting up at 10, if the baby doesn't get up before then. I still have at least a cake to make, maybe two. Things to clean, diapers to wash and a baby to take care of. My boyfriend is busy sleeping.

Even with Nik not working (he lost his job), working part time and having a baby is a juggling act and a hard one. Partly because I am still expected to act like a stay at home mom, while at home, while I am also expected to act like an employee at work. In both cases I am thinking about other things, while in both environments. Both are causing me to space out completely. I almost charged someone $1,116.00, instead of $116.00 in groceries this morning. Oops. When I left I forgot to check my schedule for this up coming week, I hope I don't forget to call in and ask.

I've been getting really into spoken word lately, So heres one of my new pieces. And I hope you enjoy it.

YR Gender Binary Roles:

YR gender binary roles, they control me like no other, just because I have a vagina doesn’t mean I should be a mother. It’s like the moment I stand up, and I shout my beliefs from the rooftops. YR first response isn’t listening to what I have to say. It’s putting me down, Figuring out some reason for you not to listen, for YR ears not to hear me, for YR heart not to feel me. But that isn’t going to happen anymore….Nah….. .Its time to open up, for YR heart to really feel me…Cause I know who I am. And as bell hooks said “Aint I a woman?!” and my response is for sure I am a WOMYN, That is with a Y instead of a E to the N....and I am my own beautiful human being. And this womyn is proud to be a womyn. But not proud to be put in a place where YR gender roles say I should stay. You say I should stay in the kitchen; I should cook, clean and take care of the kids. Well all I can say is fuck YR ways. I will choose to do what I want, and be who I want. Don’t stereotype me and throw me in the kitchen because I am a womyn. Let me be who I am and choose where I stay….Let my soul and creative being be whatever the energy wants me to be. YR ways, And YR thoughts need to be changed. Change YR mind and frame, and listen to me. Believe for once that it doesn’t matter that I have a vagina or breast…Believe…What matters is what I am saying, what you are saying, what this world is saying. The gender of one, the orientation or the race of one, has no matter in any thing we say, our speech or our words should be allowed to flow…. Flow through the pen as I write this down, free from hate or judgment that is just based on the author’s sex. Lets let everyone be free to be, who they choose to be…

My daughter is turning 6 months in less then a week. I've never heard more conflicted advice then when it comes to parenting. Whats right and wrong seem all up in the air with no facts, studies or hard evidence to back anyone up. This leaves parents, but mostly mothers conflicted, against each other and themselves. Everyone is in such a battle to be right, that no one is taking the time to see what is right for one family isn't right for another. I'm not talking about the "mommie wars" here, but every single action a parent takes in regards to parenting.

The biggest myth about Motherhood is that a mom always has to be right, do the right thing, be the best care giver for her child and NEVER EVER make a mistake or what someone else might perceive as one. Fathers on the other hand are allowed to make mistakes. A dad not knowing how to change a diaper is considered "cute", a dad who actually knows how to throw together a bottle of formula is considered a hero.

Last night my boyfriend and I attended a holiday party that was being thrown by the company he works for. It was my first night out since having the baby. So like at most adult functions, one of the first questions people asked me was "So, what do YOU do?"...what I could I say... that I was a student, a graphic designer (that's what my boyfriend keeps calling me, but so far the only things I have 'graphically designed' have been ideas for political buttons), a knitwear designer, a blogger, an artist, or heck just admit I was unemployed? Instead I said words I never thought I would say, "Well I guess I'm a stay-at-home mom right now". Just writing these words make me cringe.

My boyfriend and his mom decided that we should come over every Wednesday night to have family dinner, so that his parents could spend some time with the baby. Last night was the first night we tried out this idea.

So, my boyfriend's mom suggested that she could take care of the baby more often so that I could get a break and go out. I pointed out that I didn't have a car to go anywhere, I didn't have any money to spend and I didn't have anyone to go anywhere with. My boyfriend's cousin suggested that one way to help that was for my boyfriend to pay me money for doing chores around the house. I commented that my boyfriend couldn't pay me enough for everything I did for him. His mom commented back that I couldn't pay him for everything he did for me.

After almost forty weeks pregnancy, 24+ hours of labor and 40 minutes of pushing...I finally gave birth to a 6 pound, 13 ounce baby girl on Dec. 11 at 3 am. Luckily, my pregnancy, labor and delivery occurred without much complication. I started feeling cramps Saturday evening, which I attributed to indigestion or maybe false labor. By 2:30 I called my boyfriend (out drinking for the first time in a few weeks because I finally okayed it thanks to my doctor claiming I wasn't even close to giving birth) because my contractions had started to get steady. By 5 am we were in the hospital and then sent home so that I could labor there (in lots of pain) until 3pm that afternoon when my sister insisted that I go back to the hospital. After several hours there and almost no food at this point, I requested an epidural, my water was broken and next thing I knew I was being asked to push...and baby was placed in my arms.

I'm not a christian, nor am I a Christmas person. So it surprises alot of people that I really enjoy alot of Christmas movies. One of my favorite films of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life".

So when AMC had the original "Miracle on 34th Street" on the other night, I stay up late to watch it. It was the first time I had seen the film since becoming an adult and I watched it with a new perceptive. Actually I was impressed. For it's time, "Miracle on 34th Street" was pretty progressive. The main character is a divorced single mother working at Macy's in New York. While the story may end with her believing in romantic love; through out the film, the character is displayed with wit, intelligence and class. Sure, she may wear a skirt, but she seems to hold her own among her male co-workers.

I've been pretty seriously involved with boy friend for more than a year--spent holidays with his family, live with him, get along pretty well between the two of us and our respective siblings. This past weekend I finally went to church with him. Why is this a big deal? Because his family is Mormon. And apparently Mormon women made a significant faction of women's groups opposed to the ERA. Not that it has any bearing here, but I've always been a little leary.

We went to see his niece get christened, which occurs as part of a church service like any other religious rite. But they surprised me when a group of five men put their arms around each others' shoulders while the father said a prayer over the baby. A tiny baby girl in a circle of men. Because obviously men are the access points to salvation. Her mother sat fairly removed from and silent during the action--not a player in the ceremony at all. By this point, I was confused not to mention more than a little flustered. So wait, women give birth but have no role in this function that many religions deem essential? My inequity sense is tingling.

I tried typing this entry up last night around 11 am. After about 2 hours of typing, searching, editing, I discovered my post was complete gibberish. So here is my second try...

Attachment Parenting is a rebellion against western, Freudian parenthood philosophies. Instead of attempting to force independence on to an infant, attachment parents would like to embrace the very spiritual bond between them and their children. According to Dr. Sears, the inventor of the philosophy (or leader of the rebellion) there are seven baby b's. They include breastfeeding, bonding, bed sharing, baby wearing, balance, listening to a babies cry and staying away from scheduling techniques of child rearing. Many attachment parents would like to include other ideas into the mix, such as raising their children vegan or homeschooling.