weight loss

When I got out of the shower tonight I stood in front of the mirror for a good five to ten minutes just looking at myself. I was scared by what was staring back at me in the mirror.

Time to do anything but work, blog, eat and sleep these days is limited. I don't put on make up, I don't really do my hair, I never really stand in the mirror naked or half dressed. So I haven't noticed that being skinny has now become looking scary skinny. No one else has noticed either. I guess my t-shirts and baggy clothing is covering up the reality; that I have become Nicole Riche very scary skinny.

The first clue was that my bathing suit, a juniors small was kind of baggy when I put it on last weekend at a pool party. I of course covered up in gym shorts and a t-shirt so no one noticed, but I thought it was kind of odd. Clue number two was that I rubbed my back earlier today (I have my period, so I am having lots of back pain) and I didn't feel the normal layer of fat under the skin. Just my hip bone.

ARGH! It's now almost two months since I returned to Bowmore, and I'm finding it easier this year. I've found a group of people I can hang out with at lunch who aren't afraid of me, and the people who are afraid of me (most of them) don't even talk to me. So I'm not having much trouble controlling my temper.

I've done some pretty risky things for a Beaches Kid to do, which involve gothic-ness and other such things. For my halloween costume, I have a black leather skirt, fishnets, hair dye, sandals, and a revealing top. I'm going out as a gothic 'slut', or something to that effect. I don't like using that word, but it's the best for what I'm wearing.

My theatre director called me a big beautiful woman the other day. I'm 5'4 and a half, and 145 pounds. I don't feel big, but when she said it, I didn't feel beautiful, either.

We were taking measurements for costumes, I'd measure, she'd write it down. She said "perfect" for a few girls measurements, and they were all small, but I wouldn't call them skinny. My friend Catherine had to measure me (because I can't very well measure myself)and when she got to my hips, she said 42". This boy (he's not a friend, exactly, but he's more than an aquaintance) said, 'more like a hundred'. It didn't bother me that much, because I know him, and it's hard to explain.